I don't have to worry about planning a trip to Seattle in June, or preparing a program--in fact, I really have no reason to practice ever again, if I don't want to. After such a brutal rejection, do I want to? Is my heart really in this?
Truth is, I'm not crying about it, though I am feeling quite sulky. I knew that the chances of being selected weren't great--I heard the recording, it is flawed. But it seemed better to submit it and find out than to not submit it and never know.
What's troubling me the most right now is my seeming inability to produce a successful audition cd. If I practiced more, would one of the countless takes come out perfect? If my health was better, would I have had more energy to record even more takes? Or am I just not as good as I think I am?